love less

Well last night I had trouble sleeping and got nothing to do, I was just sitting in front of my laptop screen then I open my meebo, look around and start to dig in the chat history. I always aaaallways save chat history in my every device, just because i love reminiscing good old times. So I spent an hour reading my conversations with this one college friend, from the first time we chat , 'till like months ago. We used to chat over unimportant things for hours. "Buzz" on each other's YM! without any specific reasons, tell how we miss each other, talk about each other's personal life. And none of us felt annoyed or uncomfortable, everything was just so warm yet natural. Then I moved to another friends' YM and their Facebok Wall posts and I found the same thing. Friendly and innocent conversations. 

Then I think, "where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong?" I don't talk like that anymore to those people. I don't call them just to say I miss them or just to have unimportant chit-chats. Well, I'm not cold, I'm still me who laughs a lot, who's emotional and talk too much most of the time. But I don't feel the warmth anymore. I only text a friend if I have something to ask. I don't have the guts to start a conversation with a friend. I often act like I don't care with people/things. I love less. 

The real me, falls in love with people so very easily. Not in a romantic way, but yeah, I love people. This is one of my strongest character since I was little. In elementary school, I was the one who always remember everybody's birthday and always prepare presents for the birthday girls/boys. It made my mother upset that I have to buy birthday present almost every month in a year (with her money of course). In high school, I was the one who make the name of the class, arrange supporter in class meetings, or ask friends to wear same attribute in independence day. In college, I do things the same way. I'm being 100% me. 

Being a loving person is nice, but when you are me, it isn't that nice. Why? 'Cause I'm not being sincere with people. Like when I was in elementary school and I love to give birthday present for my friends, I was expecting them to give me presents in my birthday too. That when I was a kid. When I'm a grown up, I love people easily, but I expect them to love me, as much as I do, and in a way that I love them. And when I think they're not, I let go of them. I delete them.

Yeah, that's me. I tend to delete people from my life. That's what I always do when someone let me down. 

Does it feels good to delete someone from your life? No.  Because when I decide to let go of someone it means that he/she meant so much to me that I have to make effort just to ignore him/her. And when I delete someone from my life, it only means I will stop to talk to her/him I will try my best to ignore her/him and start to watch her/him from a distance. I keep up with their lives through facebook/twitter or others'. It feels worse. Worse than being disappointed. 

Up until now, I've deleted so many people from my life. Three of them are the best persons I've ever met in my life, they were my best girls. Yes, I'm doing well without them. Yes I still have so many friends, the best ones. But I cannot deny that what I had with them was precious. And I let go of it. If I still do this thing, there's no doubt I will have no one in my life. 

Now from those YM conv annd FB Wall Posts, i've learned my mistake. From now on I will love hard, sincerely.