time

The independence of time, for me, is the meanest thing in life. It never waits, it never cares, it never comes and goes the way we want it to be. No matter how hard we try to compromise, it never listens.

Sometimes it stands still. I sat on that bench, waiting for a cab to take me home, staring at my watch, looking at the hour hand move from one dot to another. Slowly. So slowly even when I blinked, it hadn't move. Or that one time when I was in high school, waiting for the school bell to ring. 45 minutes until the cab arrived, 45 minutes until the bell rang and it felt like i was waiting forever just to got home. 

Sometimes it moves too fast like Saturday. That one day I spent with him. We sat on that same couch, ordered the same drinks. And we talked. Connected one sentence with another. Repeated one simple sentence we always told each other. Exchanged smiles and laughter. And we looked outside and it's getting dark. Then he took me home, Sunday came, I blinked, and it's Monday again. 

The independence of time is mean but somehow it's the only thing I can rely on in desperation. No matter how fast or slow it goes by, it will take me somewhere I need to be. Eventually. 

blur

I don't like what I am right now
I don't like what I was yesterday
And I don't like the way it feels

I've always had that clear picture
The picture of who I thought I would be
But it's different from what I am right now
It's 180 degree upside down

Have you ever feel like you don't even know yourself?
what you really want
and what you really love
everything is kinda blurry

I am so sick. So very very sick of being there for everybody and end up feeling how empty the room is. Don't you think I have a social life too? Just because I put you on top of the list doesn't mean i don't have one.

on melancholy hill

Now I know why I always feel like there's something missing..
It's because, with you, I can find few reasons why.. And much more reasons why not.
Sad, indeed.

furrybaby

just my Sparkle and her cuteness ;*

College Life

College life is indeed the best time of my life. It's indeed the longest holiday I could possibly have. I can't help myself for not being sad while reminiscing the first year being college student. Freedom, pride, joy, friendship, they're all mine. I really wish I can see faces as friendly as my kom08 friends' faces. I wish I can feel as happy as I always have when I'm with them, with my future friends. I wish in the future I can reminisce college life without wanting to turn back the time. I wish :')

love less

Well last night I had trouble sleeping and got nothing to do, I was just sitting in front of my laptop screen then I open my meebo, look around and start to dig in the chat history. I always aaaallways save chat history in my every device, just because i love reminiscing good old times. So I spent an hour reading my conversations with this one college friend, from the first time we chat , 'till like months ago. We used to chat over unimportant things for hours. "Buzz" on each other's YM! without any specific reasons, tell how we miss each other, talk about each other's personal life. And none of us felt annoyed or uncomfortable, everything was just so warm yet natural. Then I moved to another friends' YM and their Facebok Wall posts and I found the same thing. Friendly and innocent conversations. 

Then I think, "where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong?" I don't talk like that anymore to those people. I don't call them just to say I miss them or just to have unimportant chit-chats. Well, I'm not cold, I'm still me who laughs a lot, who's emotional and talk too much most of the time. But I don't feel the warmth anymore. I only text a friend if I have something to ask. I don't have the guts to start a conversation with a friend. I often act like I don't care with people/things. I love less. 

The real me, falls in love with people so very easily. Not in a romantic way, but yeah, I love people. This is one of my strongest character since I was little. In elementary school, I was the one who always remember everybody's birthday and always prepare presents for the birthday girls/boys. It made my mother upset that I have to buy birthday present almost every month in a year (with her money of course). In high school, I was the one who make the name of the class, arrange supporter in class meetings, or ask friends to wear same attribute in independence day. In college, I do things the same way. I'm being 100% me. 

Being a loving person is nice, but when you are me, it isn't that nice. Why? 'Cause I'm not being sincere with people. Like when I was in elementary school and I love to give birthday present for my friends, I was expecting them to give me presents in my birthday too. That when I was a kid. When I'm a grown up, I love people easily, but I expect them to love me, as much as I do, and in a way that I love them. And when I think they're not, I let go of them. I delete them.

Yeah, that's me. I tend to delete people from my life. That's what I always do when someone let me down. 

Does it feels good to delete someone from your life? No.  Because when I decide to let go of someone it means that he/she meant so much to me that I have to make effort just to ignore him/her. And when I delete someone from my life, it only means I will stop to talk to her/him I will try my best to ignore her/him and start to watch her/him from a distance. I keep up with their lives through facebook/twitter or others'. It feels worse. Worse than being disappointed. 

Up until now, I've deleted so many people from my life. Three of them are the best persons I've ever met in my life, they were my best girls. Yes, I'm doing well without them. Yes I still have so many friends, the best ones. But I cannot deny that what I had with them was precious. And I let go of it. If I still do this thing, there's no doubt I will have no one in my life. 

Now from those YM conv annd FB Wall Posts, i've learned my mistake. From now on I will love hard, sincerely.